Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Thought I could protect myself from being hurt by numbing my feelings. It worked for awhile but in the end the one I was hurting was myself. Numbing myself prevented me from expressing my emotions. And therefore nobody knows how I feel. So how can they help me if they don't know how I feel? On the surface I'm okay, but deep down I feel so troubled. Just a simple "I love you" to my parents seem so hard. But the care and concern I have for my family and friends are so much so I would cry for them, die for them. Sometimes I wonder why I feel this way. I know what's wrong but.. How do I rectify it? Where do it start?
1:33 AM
Friday, July 22, 2011
woah, haven't been blogging for ages already. and honestly does anyone ever come here anymore? hello? comment at the tagboard can? haha.
anyway this is the only place i can rant. so here it goes.
all my life i've been so tolerable of my family. but things are getting out of hand recently.
so the story goes like this.
i have a big family of 4 other siblings. (although my eldest brother is married and has moved out.)
so i kind of understand that i don't have my own room. i only have a room to put my stuff in, but i'm never in there. my older brother, who shares the room with me spends the most time in it, like its all his. he sleeps in the room too.
since i don't have a room, i don't have my own bed. all my life i've been sleeping on a mattress. (yes, the ones you have to carry out and lay on the floor.) and since there's no space for a mattress in my "shared" room, i sleep in the living room.
and recently in 2011, i've been letting my mum use the matress to sleep on the living room floor. because for some unknown reason, she refuses to sleep on the same bed as my dad.
so where do i end up now? on the sofa. and its not very comfortable. the cushions are hard and it hurts my lower back when i sleep on it.
my mum. she gets very cold easily so she always turns off the ceiling fan in the living room while i'm asleep. and she always does this. i will wake up abt 2 to 3 hours into my sleep feeling hot and sweaty then i can't get back to sleep. sure, she can sleep without the fan. but i can't.
i don't understand why my mum does this to me. really i don't. to save electricity? its a frigging fan, it doesn't use alot. she's cold? she can always use a blanket. its really so effing irritating. and it has happened ALOT of times.
that's why i can't have peaceful long hours of sleep anymore. plus, i'm the type that doesn't fall asleep easily. its just hard to get back to sleep all hot & sweaty on the couch.
k, so this is the main point of my rant.
recently i've been falling sick alot from lack of sleep. fever, headache.. you name it.. my mum just brushes off the fact that i lack sleep and says that i'm weak & that i need to take supplements. wtf, right?
she has this impression of me that i'm a skinny, inactive and weak guy. but seriously, which 20 year old guy would be hyperactive at home jumping about? i'm not the cheery happy psycho type. its just my laid back style at home which she misinterpreted as me being weak. no thanks to her, i'm always sick nowadays too. but honestly, why can't she see that i exercise alot. (soccer, running, gym.. you name it.)
i just hope i enlist sooner into army. there i can have my own bed to sleep in. no worries of my body breaking down because of lack of sleep.
p.s. i'm awake now in the morning because she turned off the ceiling fan and i can't get back to sleep when i'm all sweaty from the heat.
8:30 AM
Saturday, February 05, 2011
aw man, ytd night was one of the craziest nights ever.
first i went to a friend's house for cny.
den after that they went drinking at holland road.
and i followed just to lepak.
and,
the crazy part.
my friend, who drank alot, gave me a ride back home one his bike.
phew lucky nothing happened.
p.s. i didn't drink.
6:16 PM
Thursday, October 14, 2010
its been a while...
a long while...
since i saw them...
since i saw her...
i keep coming back. never knowing why. still i don't know.
have i moved on. honestly yes.
then why?
maybe there's another. lurking somewhr in between the others.
another that i seek. someone to feel the void. the void that's filled with emptiness.
for who you maybe, smile and i'll smile. for that warm sincere smile could be the one that leads me to you.
even if it might not be, at least something was done other than passiveness which leads to eventual lonliness.
for even when there's hurt, joy was present first.
the joys that i seek to turn to memories to remind myself of what love is...
to the one i seek, im coming. pls wait for me...
1:16 AM
